why didn't you poke me back
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
