you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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