My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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