Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
