I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
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First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
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It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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