i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
