Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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