if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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