Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
