I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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