Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
someone owes me an orgasm
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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