The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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