I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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