What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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