Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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