I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
