hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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