Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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