Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
