if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
