Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The air taste purple.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
