She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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