you guys were way drunker than both of me
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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