what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
