morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
