Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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