People in love make me want to vomit
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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