Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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