somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
