while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
