Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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