we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
