Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I did not marry a roomba.
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