ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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