I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
