the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
