I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
