just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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