I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
