either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
