my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
