JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
two words...techno handjob
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
