I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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