Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
