I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
