Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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