oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
