she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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