Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
