the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
