So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
