I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
