I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
