K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
