I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
