please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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