I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
